Modellahz diaries

Monday, 17 October 2016

After Dark

Having cut the stems at an angle she placed the freshly delivered flowers in a tall glass vase. The delicate fragrance was already filling the room with a heady bouquet. Such an exquisite combination of colours and shapes required admiration. Picking up the card again a smile played across her lips; 

To the lady with the talented fingers. X 

They could be from any one of her clients. It was good to be appreciated and although she received many expensive gifts, flowers were always her favourite. 

Grace Cardoso worked from home as a beauty therapist. Her treatments included facials, peels, body scrubs along with manicures, pedicures, waxing and plucking; you know the kind of thing. Her luxurious, four bedroom, detached house in the Maitama was the perfect location from which to work and extremely convenient. The tall trees around the whole property also protected her from any prying eyes and gave her clients a calming sense of discretion. 

Padding barefoot across the thick white carpet she placed the flowers on the table. Grabbing her coffee she sat down to go through the day's appointments in her diary. Two bikini waxes, one half-leg wax, a dermo peel, one eyebrow shaping and a facial were scheduled for her daytime sessions. On the evening agenda she just had one couple for an intimate massage. 

Looking up at the flowers again her smile widened while remembering the couple she saw last night. She could tell they weren't married even though they had made the booking in as Mr & Mrs. They came across more as Boss and Secretary but that was really none of her business, and it was that attitude that made her the best in the business. 

Mr & Mrs James had arrived promptly at 7.30pm looking more like elicit lovers than man and wife. Most couples would present themselves as married, but the majority of them were nothing of the sort. In fact scrap that, none of her after dark clients were married. 

Grace greeted them warmly before she led the way upstairs to the master suite reserved for the couple treatment sessions. She opened the door and invited them into the beautifully set room. Candles flickered in every corner causing beautiful shadows to dance on the walls. Miguel's Adorn played softly in the background creating a sexual tension as soon as it caressed your ears. 

The centrepiece of the room was a huge two by two bed. The black rubber sheets meant that by the end of the session it would practically become a slippery wrestling ring. The room itself resembled a very plush hotel, everything looked expensive and of course it was. A glass wall revealed a beautiful black marble wet room with a shower big enough to accommodate at least six people comfortably. Scattered Swarovski crystals encrusted in the black marble twinkled like stars in the dim light. 

She conducted her welcome speech by memory, explaining where everything was, where to get undressed and informed them she would be back in five minutes. 

Slipping out of the room and into her own bedroom she removed her white beautician coat. She was looking forward to this; new clients always gave her a buzz of excitement. He was very good looking, forty-five-ish, inquisitive eyes with a tall, athletic build tucked into a tailored suit. She was cute, twenty-five-ish, long brunette hair, slim, petite, very shy and it seemed as though she was his bit on the side. 

Her after dark business as a personal masseuse brought in five times the money her daytime beauty sessions did and were certainly a lot more fun. She had cultivated her client list carefully, selecting only the people that fit her criteria. She personally interviewed them over the phone before accepting or rejecting their application. You couldn't just book an appointment with Grace Cardoso there was a whole process to go through. 

She slipped into her evening uniform, which wasn't any different from the one she wore during the day, except this one was transparent. She wore nothing but her Victoria Secrets body cream beneath the sheer flimsy smock leaving her best assets visible like a beautifully arranged window display. 

She quickly checked herself in the mirror. Her small breasts were pert and the friction of the fabric had caused her nipples to harden. 

Her striking green eyes were sparkling with anticipation and her full lips were swollen by her awakening arousal. 

At forty-two years old she still had the body of a twenty-five year old, she worked hard to keep everything where it should be even against the persistent lure of gravity. Pinning her long dark curls on top of her head she returned to the couple's treatment room. 

Mr & Mrs James were tentatively perched on the edge of the large bed holding hands. The young lady was visibly flustered, nervous, embarrassed even, gripping her towel tight to her chest. He was visibly more relaxed and his obvious appreciation of her attire was becoming prominent below the small towel he held at his waist. 

Grace dimmed the lights to create a more intimate atmosphere and help Mrs James feel a little more at ease. This session had obviously been his idea and the girl was playing along for the first time. Many years in the business had given her some insight into reading body language and it was clear that this young lady was about to have her first experience with a third person involved. A threesome virgin so to speak! 

"Right, shall we get you comfortable?", Grace asked the brunette beauty softly, while gathering her essential oils in a small basket. 

"I'd like you to lie face down for me with your arms by your side and we can get started." 

Keeping her attention focused on the girl she simply informed Mr James "You sir can watch for now if you'd like to take a seat over there," pointing to the large semi reclined chair behind her. 

Once Mrs James was lying face down on the bed, Grace took a hair clip, lifted up the long blrunett hair hanging down her back and pinned it neatly on top of her head. "We don't want to mess up those beautiful locks with oil," she crooned, while removing her transparent smock and hanging it on the back of the door before turning back towards the bed. 

Mr James was now in a full state of arousal and seemed quite comfortable having discarded his towel. His eyes were on her as his hand slowly fondled his swollen member. She could see him taking in every inch of her shapely 5'7″ frame. His eyes devoured her slender body; she could feel them as though they were literally caressing her flesh. 

The young girl was oblivious to her lover's actions as she lay still, rigid with anticipation. Grace elegantly climbed onto the bed, sat on the girls lower back just above her buttocks and felt her tense immediately, fueling her own excitement with the knowledge she would give this young girl the most incredible orgasm of her life. 

Bottle in hand she gently poured a little oil over the girl's shoulders and back and began to gently massage the liquid into her skin. Mrs James was smooth, her flesh was warm to touch and, as Grace leaned forward, her own sex was rubbing against the girl's lower back effortlessly with the help of the oil. She could feel herself already wet as she slid her groin back and forth on the curve of the young woman's back. 

Mr James seemed to be having difficulty breathing, she could tell he was already on the brink of orgasm but he knew he had to wait. His ragged breath was slipping out in bursts between his teeth already sunk deep into his bottom lip. She loved to be watched, it made her feel powerful to be in total control of the pleasure of someone else. He took his hands away from his solid, upright manhood as if he feared it might all be over too soon. His erection twitched with wanting as his fists clenched the arms of the chair. Grace turned her attention back to the slick, oily body between her thighs. 

Trisha, as he'd called her, was beginning to relax and she could feel her lifting her tight buttocks up towards her, trying to give her masseuse more friction. Grace began to deepen the massage, pushing the tension out of the girl's body only to replace it with sexual electricity. Rubbing herself against this young, beautiful body was bringing immense pleasure to them both. Delicately, she traced patterns around the girl's neck and ears and then grazed her fingers down her spine, grinding her core against the lubricated skin. Grace slid herself over the buttocks and down over Trisha's thighs to her calves. This meant she could massage her upper thighs and bottom with precision. 

She parted Trisha's slender legs so she could manipulate each one separately, exposing her sudden excitement. Carefully massaging each thigh while gently grazing her fingers across her opening. The girl began to moan at every touch of Grace's expert fingers; Mr James was doing quite some groaning too and looked as though his head would explode any second. 

"Turn over", Grace ordered, her soft tone now becoming curt and demanding as she unstraddled her legs. Trisha did as she was told and flipped herself over onto her back. Grace moved straight back on top of her sitting so their clitorises were almost touching. Again Grace felt Trisha's hips rise in a desperate bid to be touched. She poured a little more oil over her breasts and stomach and continued to seduce with her fingers. Trisha's nipples immediately responded to the touch of Emmy's hands. 

"Would you like to join us now?" she said, beckoning to a very red faced Mr James. He didn't need to be asked twice and was there on the bed in a heartbeat. 

"Let her suck you," she ordered. He eagerly obeyed and knelt beside the head of his lover as she welcomed his engorged member into her mouth like a ravenous animal. The young woman's eyes were wild with sexual yearning, she seemed to be very much enjoying her first female experience as she sucked and feasted fervently on her lover. 

Grace moved down the bed to find Trisha's sweet center with her tongue and skillful fingers. The girl tasted good, sweet like watermelon. She began to flick her tongue in rapid short strokes all around the tiny swollen bud, avoiding her most sensitive part purposefully. Trisha frantically bucked her hips, trying to push Grace's tongue to where she most wanted it to go, whilst sucking hard on her lover. Slipping two fingers inside her Grace began to bring her to the edge, sucking and pushing simultaneously until her tongue ached. 

"On your knees," she snapped, slapping Trisha on the thigh to make it clear the order was for her. Trisha removed her lover's solid length from her mouth and got on all fours quickly. "Fuck her," she said, looking straight into Mr James' hungry eyes. "Yes ma'am" he replied, while sliding into position on the now slippery bed behind his young lover. 

He grabbed her by the waist and slammed himself into her like it was the first time. Trisha let out a loud moan as they began to move in unison. 

Grace moved herself underneath Trisha's body in a sixty-nine position so she could suck and tease both her clients at the same time. 

The tension was building as the two lovers became lost in a sexual frenzy, Grace never taking her tongue away from either of them. She caught his shaft every time he pulled back and her clit every time he thrust in and all with her hand tightly gripped around the base of his shaft. Trisha abruptly dipped her head down and began to flick her tongue over Grace's ready to explode sex. She was obviously a novice and had never been with a woman before which made the awkward moves even more sensual. 

Mr James was ready to cum, she could feel his balls tensing and little miss horny was already at least 3 orgasms in. The pace had picked up and they were all hurling towards the finish line. Trisha came first screaming "Oh my god" over and over as Mr James emptied himself deep into her belly, growling like a wild animal. Grace continued to milk them with her tongue feeling the spasms erupt through their bodies. 

Once her two clients were satisfied Grace let her orgasm take her from deep within. Her body wracked with spasms as she grasped onto the girl above her. Trisha continued to work her with her inexperienced tongue as Grace rode her orgasm for all it was worth. 

Spent, sated and breathless the threesome fell to the bed. Trisha suddenly seemed to tense up again once the throes of passion had subsided. Grace broke the silence by getting off the bed and walking through to the wet room that was visible through the glass wall partition. She turned on the shower and the water began to fall in a blue light like rain from the huge shower head. She stood under the warm jet of water and began to run her hands all over her body feeling every nerve ending in her body tingle beneath her touch. 

Watching her naked body beneath the falling blue lit water was causing Mr James to rise to the occasion once more. Together her clients joined her in the shower for what Grace liked to call dessert!

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

Just For You...

'Hey, honey. I am home,' said Daniel as he dropped the keys on the table.
'Hey baby. Welcome home,' said Ella as she walked up to Daniel and pressed a kiss on his cheek.
'I missed you,' whispered Daniel as he held Ella in his arms.
'I missed you too,' said Ella as she withdrew from his embrace. 'How was your day?' asked Ella as she started arranging the table for dinner.
'It couldn't have been worse,' said Daniel loosening his tie. 'It was just another frustrating day. People don't do their work. And in the end, it's me who has to suffer,' said Daniel as he dropped down on the chair.
'Hey, it's alright. I understand,' said Ella softly as she stood behind Daniel.
'Stop working so hard, sweetie,' cooed Ella as she started massaging Daniel's shoulders. 'Take a deep breath and let everything go.'
'Mmm,' said Daniel as Ella sank her fingers into his shoulders.
'You can't work 24/7, baby,' she whispered, 'Rest a little and become stronger for tomorrow.'
'I crave for these massages, Ella,' murmured Daniel.
'Does it feel good?' she asked as she rubbed his sore muscles.
'I want more, Ella baby,' said Daniel as he took her hands into his.
'There will be plenty of time for that, Darlin’. Why don't you freshen up? I will set the table in the meanwhile,' said Ella as she pulled him on to his feet.
'Ok,' sighed a disappointed Daniel as he made his way into the bedroom.
Ella knew that Daniel was working really very hard and that sometimes, people failed to recognize the effort he was putting every day. She planned of doing something special for 'her man' and just then she knew what she had to do.


Daniel took the much needed shower. Ella's massage did wonders to his body and he was feeling rejuvenated and revitalized. He just tied a robe and came out of the shower when he first heard a soft and romantic music coming from the living room. Curious and excited, Daniel made his way into the living room and the scene before his eyes took his breath away.
There was music playing from the stereo. The entire room was dimly lit with the help of candles. And standing on the dining table, in nothing but a sheer pink slip, was Ella. She was playing with her nipples and dancing seductively to the soft hum of the music. As soon as she saw Daniel, she gestured him to sit on the chair which was at the opposite end of the table.
Daniel still kept staring at her as if he was in a trance. She got down from the table and whispered seductively, 'Baby, today is the night for my Fashion Show. So, get ready for the show for your life. This is just for you...'
Daniel couldn't say anything as he sat on the chair reserved for him.
Ella got onto the table with the help of a smaller table. She walked seductively; sashaying to the music and Daniel couldn't do anything but stare and smile….sheepishly. After a few minutes of swaying and walking, Ella got down and went in to the kitchen.
'I will be right back,' murmured Ella as she bent down and stroked Daniel's cheek.
Daniel just nodded. He was mesmerized by Ella's appearance in the outfit. Again the music started playing and Ella entered in a camisole which clung to every curve of her body. She wore a pair of white cotton panties. Her nipples strained against the material as she walked on the table and modelled her next outfit for Daniel. As he reached out to grab her, she looked at him sharply and said, 'No touching, unless I say so.'
With that she again went into the kitchen. His cock was hard and was aching to be touched. Ella again appeared in a teddy and garter. The sight almost made Daniel cum. She walked to the soft melody and swayed seductively. Her long legs were accentuated by the garter and silhouettes. Her body glowed in the candle light and Daniel couldn't take his eyes off the beauty standing before him. He took his cock into his hands and started stroking it.
The music came to a stop and she again went for a change. Daniel waited for Ella and then she made her appearance wearing a see-through sheer white negligee which barely reached her thighs. He knew that she had nothing underneath the negligee. She walked on the table and reached the other end. She climbed down and sauntered towards Daniel. She stroked his cock and kissed him. 
She turned around and moved her hips seductively. She brought his hands and placed them on either side of her waist and started giving him a lap dance. She brushed lightly against his cock and made his cock jump. She then turned around and settled on his lap. She gyrated her hips making Daniel squirm beneath her.
'Did you like the show?' she asked as she traced his lower lip with her tongue. 
'Mmm ...,' murmured Daniel, as he held Ella in his arms and took her mouth for a scorching kiss.
He traced a path from her jaw to her collar bone. He sucked at the skin near her neck giving her a love-bite and eliciting a moan from Ella. Daniel lowered the straps of her negligee and started giving small kisses at every exposed part. Within a few minutes, Ella was naked in Daniel's arms. Not willing to torture himself anymore, he carried her into their bedroom and laid her on the bed. He stripped off his robe and joined her on the bed. 
'For all that teasing in the living room, you will have to pay now,' he said as he kissed her passionately. He then directed his attention to her breasts. He took one nipple into his mouth as he pumped the other breast. Ella grasped the sheets as she tried to stop writhing beneath him. He shifted to the other breast. He pulled and rolled the nipple in his fingertips. Ella arched and moaned.
Daniel proceeded further down south. He traced a path to her belly with his tongue. He separated her thighs and planted soft kisses on her inner thighs. He then moved to her feet and suckled her toes. Ella nearly flew off the bed when he nibbled at the arch of her foot. 
'Stop doing that...,' screeched Ella as she pulled Daniel into her arms for a kiss.
'I was just getting started, baibee,' whispered Daniel as he freed himself from her arms and settled himself between her legs.
'You are so wet,' he said as he parted her folds and licked her clit. His strokes made her wet. She grasped the sheets as he continued his assault. He then inserted his fingers into her already wet coochie. Ella thrust against his fingers.
'I need you in me.... NOW!!!' screamed Ella as she looked at Daniel.
Daniel didn't want to torture her anymore and he held himself on his forearms and guided himself into her. He groaned as soon as his flesh made contact with hers. He kept pounding into her as she raised her hips and met his every thrust. He kept on giving soft kisses and finally growled as he climaxed and took Ella along with him.
He slumped down on Ella and she held him in his arms.
'Just a minute ...,' said Daniel as he tried to roll off Ella.
'Shh... Stay.... You are not that heavy,' she said as she pulled him closer to herself.
'Honeyboo ...' whispered Daniel as he raised himself and stroked her face, 'why did you give that show tonight?'

'Just like that ... You have been working too hard for the past few weeks' said Ella as she kissed Daniel, 'You didn't like it?' she pouted.
Daniel gave a low laugh and rolled onto his back pulling her along with him. 'Why would I not like it, sweetheart?' whispered Daniel as he stroked Ella's hair. 'It was the best show ever...' he murmured as he kissed Ella.

'I love you...' said Ella as she snuggled further into Kevin.

'I love you more,more baibee,' said Daniel as he held Ella in his arms and drifted off to sleep.

Monday, 25 January 2016

The Man Of My Dreams...

He is the man that my father always told me about, the one that I would one day meet. Father referred to him as my prince. Although I thought that those kind of things only ever happened in fairy tales, as I am not a princess no matter how much father would say otherwise. Father told me about a man and how he is going to take my arm and guide me along the street, he would make me feel like I was royalty by the simplest of things. I matter so much to him and I don't even know it, he is always looking out for me and yet, I think he never shows it.
Today is the day, the day that I have been waiting for. Many weeks have passed by now, since we were last in each other's arms and I long more than anything to be back there. Although, I’m not sure he feels the same way. My heart is ruling me and my mind is telling me that it may be too late, I feel sick with worry that he might no longer feel the same way. The time comes to meet him at the airport, I have been chatting throughout the day with him updating me on his whereabouts. My heart is now beating so fast I don't understand why no one else can hear it, it is throbbing so loudly under my chest and it’s the only sound at times that I can hear. My stomach feels a little queasy and I’m made more anxious by every passing second. Knowing full well that soon enough he will be walking through those arrival doors and right up to you, but what then?? Does he kiss me on the cheek, forehead, lips or do we just shake hands??
It's too late to speculate what he's going to do as you see people exiting through the arrival door. It almost feels as though time has slowed down, I’m suddenly aware of my breathing and how fast it is, I try and bring it back into a normal rhythm but have no such luck. He is here, I can see the top of his head appearing above the crowd but I’m unable to see his face due to my height; he is still a little bit away from me but I don't move, I wait for him to get to me, as if when he does I will know what to do. When he comes out of the crowd he makes his way to me in a fast motion, he drops his bags on the floor and replaces me where they once were. He brings his face to mine and kisses my lips, the kiss is so enchanting sending my emotions all over the place and not to mention my heart beating even faster every beat only wanting him more. Before I know it the kiss is over and he has picked up his bags, he holds out his arm for me to take and I walk side by side to my house. Conversation flows so well between us and it feels as though he never left.
Remember, before when I thought that he didn't feel the same way anymore, well in a way I was right. He doesn't love me as much as he did when he left, simply because he loves me even more than he did then, more than I ever thought possible. We spend the walk back laughing and smiling with each other the excitement reeling off me in waves not quite believing my eyes that he is right there before me, but restraining myself from rubbing them to make sure. The two of us get along so well some might even believe we were meant for each other, I’m not the same person but then again I’m not completely different let's call it the correct balance.
When we got back to my house and into my room, we both laid down on the bed and just cuddled each other relishing in the warmth of each other's bodies and catching up on what the other has missed. After a long while of talking, laughing, kissing and cuddling it's time for food. I prepare a meal for him but now I’m worried that he may not like it, I don't let on anything and get up to fetch it. When I bring the meal back with me, I watch him tentatively eating and ask if it’s ok, he nods and I just lie back down and smile letting him carry on eating. By the time he has finished I was already asleep, the weight of the world finally lifted of my shoulders and a relaxing presence in its place. When he finished he places the plate on the desk and moves down next to me gently accidentally waking me up. I am glad of the wakeup call as he is better than any dream I could possibly imagine.
He apologises again for waking me up but I’m taking none of it, I sit up and pretend to stretch but instead tackle him down onto the bed and kiss all the way down his face and stopping only when I got to his chin, letting the bristles from his beard touch my lips. As I stop kissing him and move myself up so I can look at his face, he looks at me in a way that makes my heart race, I know what he wants as it's the same thing I do. A special cuddle as he refers to it as. I move down to his stomach and gently lift his shirt, kissing down from his collar bone and slowly making my way down to his trousers. I stop to look up at him as if to ask if he wishes for me to go on but not wanting to say the words aloud. He starts to sit up and takes off his shirt, I help and before I know it mine is off too. Before I carry on I help him take off his trousers and he takes off mine. Now we both stood before each other in just our underwear taking each other in, eyes running up and down the other to see if anything has changed in the time that has passed. I kneel down on the soft and warm carpet and kiss his stomach and work my way down to the top of his boxers, kissing around the elastic. I look up at him as I pull down his boxers, to reveal a rather large and memorable part of his anatomy that makes me breathless, even more than running does. He helps to fully undress me, taking no time with your bra as he expertly takes it off using only one hand. After our special cuddle that we both rather enjoyed, we both clean up and share the shower as its apparently more romantic that way, or just another excuse to see each other naked. We kiss in the shower and it's almost like we are ready to repeat what happened only a few minutes ago. I pull back and focus on the task of showering trying to stop myself from just spending the whole weekend with my hands on him and my lips on his. Although he knows that he is my biggest distraction. He takes the shower gel from me and puts a small amount onto his hands gently rubbing them together to create a lather before placing his hands on me and rubbing them up and down my body making sure I haven't missed anything. I enjoy the sensation of his hands running up and down my body, every so often I bite my lip like Anastasia in Fifty shades of grey. Of course he notices as this is the reaction he has been waiting for knowing that he is getting to me and slowly but surely turning me on again. I want nothing more than to pleasure him as he has me. I push my chest against his and turn the shower head to his back so that the water doesn't trickle down his body and into my mouth. I start gently and slowly knowing that it’s tender there, I go deeper and I hear him take a breath and feel his knees shake. I’m trying not to smile knowing that what I’m doing is working and I will only lose my concentration. After a while he stops me and pulls me to my feet locking his lips to mine. I stand there kissing, with the warmth of the water flowing between us. It seems as though the kiss will never end, my arms are around his neck and his arm around my waist pulling me closer to him. Eventually we both pull away to catch a breath and decide to leave the warmth of the bathroom and retreat into the cold of the bedroom.He lies next to me now, silently sleeping and I can't help but watch his chest gently rise. He is dreaming of something that is making him smile and that smile just makes my heart melt. I love how peaceful he is when he's asleep and how his face doesn't crease into a frown and he is away from torment of work and stress of life. I move down next to him and get myself comfortable only to find a few seconds later that his hand is moving across the bed, he is in search of something. His hand stops once it has found mine and he holds it, he must need to feel close to me even when he is asleep. My wonderful man knows how to make me feel loved even in his sleep he likes to feel close to me and reassure me that all is well. I fall asleep that evening, with his body wrapped around mine holding me in a warm embrace 

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

When Will I Be Okay Again?

Most women expect that when they're ready to make a baby, their bodies will readily comply. But sometimes Mother Nature has other plans. And that realization can be devastating. In fact, more than 6.1 million women in the United States find it difficult or impossible to get pregnant or carry a baby to term, and 2.1 million married couples are infertile (meaning, they haven't gotten pregnant after 12 months of unprotected sex), according to a 1995 survey from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.


I have a secret identity.

No, I’m not a super hero, although if I was, I would like to have amazing superpowers like “ability to read ovulation charts with an eagle eye for thermal shifts” or “able to swallow large handfuls of vitamins and supplements in a single swig.”  Is it a super power to be able to translate a sentence written almost entirely in letters, like “OPK=+. DH & I BD but BFN 14DPO?”  Like WTF?
My secret identity is much more mundane, and much more common.  I am a woman who struggles to get pregnant.
We’re easy to identify if you pay enough attention.  We keep ourselves under tight control at baby showers, weddings, family events, sometimes slipping away before someone asks us if we want to hold the baby.  When you start a conversation with “So, are you thinking about having a baby (adding to your family)?”  We say something vague like “Oh, we aren’t quite ready yet,” rather than tell you the exact number of months we have been trying to conceive, which we know like we know our own birthdays.  We’ll be the ones trying to be sure to publicly drink a glass of wine so you don’t come up and ask us if we are avoiding alcohol because we are pregnant, but sipping just a little so it doesn’t throw off our temperatures for the next morning, or dilute our urine because we need desperately to use an ovulation strip and see if we can get the timing down properly.
In the public eye, we don’t look any different from the rest of the women you see.  But in private, we have a stockpile of secrets that we’re afraid to tell anyone.


It started out innocently enough for me.  When we decided we wanted a baby, I stopped taking contraceptives.  Time passed.  Cycles passed.  We went from trying to not have a baby, to “not” not trying, to sort of trying, to trying very hard.  As each month passed we’d try a little harder, adding something new into the regime.  Basal body temping was a no go, ovulation prediction kits (OPK’s) never showed a positive, every other day just didn’t seem to be working. Relax: “just relax and it’ll happen” – funnily enough this always comes from someone who only took 5 minutes to get knocked.  How the heck can you relax when you’ve been TTC for so long, and anybody in the same situation will never utter the word “relax” because they know it doesn’t happen no matter how hard you try.

We don’t talk openly about infertility, even though one out of every ten women experience it.  We don’t talk about miscarriage even though up to 25 percent of all pregnancies end in one.  And we most definitely don’t talk about trying to get pregnant after miscarriage — the fear that it was our last shot at having a baby, that if we do get pregnant that we will have to suffer through it all again.  The complete loss of innocence that comes from believing that your baby will be fat and healthy and nestled in your arms after nine uneventful months. First it becomes a routine marker, then slowly a compulsion develops.  What was once a daily prenatal vitamin morphed into a vitamin, additional folic acid, vitamin c, and, depending on the day in my cycle a growing  additional supplements that may or may not regulate my ovulation, give me more mucus, strengthen a potential egg, or just cost me lots of money per month.  I wake up in a panic, glancing at the clock to see if I’ve been asleep long enough to take my temperature.  I jokingly admit to the numerous OPKs and home pregnancy tests that I take, sometimes multiple times per day. I know more shades of purple, pink, gray and white lines than an artist.  The "Pillow under the bum: after baby dancing, whilst you’re laying there in post coital bliss, getting Dear Hubby to pop a pillow or two under the bottom for 15 minutes, which supposedly helps to keep the swimmers in and helps them on their journey or alternatively lay back and hold legs in the air!! Remain lying down for at least 15 minutes after sex"

These things I can admit openly, although somewhat abashedly, with a sheepish grin that reinforces my image as the caricature of the woman trying to conceive, a cartoon version of the real, rational self. I don’t tell people about the real secrets.  About the pregnancy test I take a week after my period in case it wasn’t the end of the cycle. I know that getting pregnant is just the beginning of the journey.  I didn’t expect the beginning to be so long.  I didn’t expect the beginning to be so lonely.  And I definitely didn’t expect the beginning to be so quiet.

....Fingers crossed

Monday, 28 December 2015

Broken & Beautiful

Uche was my first love and we got engaged at 21. Everything was fantastic until I had my daughter at 23, then things started turning a bit sour. It was subtle at first. Grace’s birth was complicated, so I was in hospital for a while. When I got out, we went for a get together and I wore a new top. I felt good for the first time in months. Everyone greeted me saying I’d got my complexion back and that my top was lovely. I was in the corner changing Grace’s nappy when Uche came over and said, ‘That top you’re wearing, it’s not your colour. It doesn’t look nice at all.’ I said something like, ‘Thanks for letting me know,’ then I went home and threw it away. You think that someone who loves you will be looking out for your best interests – but looking back, I can see how manipulative he was being and how naive I was. The first time Uche became violent was before his cousin’s engagement party. By this time, we had a baby and an 18-month-old and I was taking longer than him to get ready. He started shouting at me saying, ‘You’re never on time! You’re slacking, the house is a mess!’
As the mother of a new born without a help in the house, I felt you had the right to leave a few plates unwashed in the sink, but he behaved as if it had been annoying him for ever. Then suddenly, he grabbed me by the neck and pushed me backwards. I remember thinking, ‘Oh my God – he’s going to kill me.’ But he just said, ‘You’ve got 10 minutes.’ From then on it went from a push to a shove to a slap, then the slap became a punch – always a little bit more. But he was never violent in front of the children. To be honest, though, the bumps and bruises were nothing compared to the emotional abuse and threats.
Uche was never sorry and he never cried – unlike the stories you read on Stella’s blog about men who are violent and cry and then promise they’ll never do it again. It was as if he didn’t want to lose me but didn’t want me to feel good either. He just broke me down until I didn’t feel I was worth anything. It got to the stage where I didn’t believe that I could have a better life – or even survive – without him.
I became increasingly isolated, too. He didn’t make me a prisoner – his sister would baby-sit for us and we would go out, but I’d never have a good time.  If we were at a party, I was always by his side, not looking at anyone and not in a nice dress because I wasn’t allowed to wear anything colourful or beautiful. At home, he made it clear that my friends or family weren’t welcome. He’d come in the room and ignore them until, eventually, they stopped coming round. I admit that I made a bed for my own back because I got defensive when they tried to help. I didn’t want my kids to be from a broken home. I had heard stories of kids from broken homes and I didn’t want my kids to be one of them. I wanted to prove I was a strong woman who could make Uche happy and put things right, because I believed it was my fault. In the end, only my sister and a friend stuck by me.
The turning point came one day after I’d been ‘sitting the wrong way’. Uche grabbed me and punched me in the stomach so hard that I wet myself. He looked at me in disgust, then left and didn’t come home for two days. That was the first time I thought, ‘I’ve got to get out of this.’ I didn’t hate him and I didn’t pity him but I had fallen out of love with him. There was just no feeling left, just a blank space. I didn’t even plan our escape like you see in Nollywood. I just took the kids to the church. I was pretending to be strong but I was really scared…so scared I could hear my heart beat in my ears. I called Uche and said it was over. He said he would find me and kill me, he said he had connections to take my kids away from me and make sure I never live to see the next day. But after a while, he stopped threatening and began saying he missed the children.

I was shocked because he’d never really bothered with them, but I agreed he could have them for a weekend. That Saturday, he called and said, ‘You’re never getting your kids back.’ That was the only time I called the police. They told me that because Uche’s name was on the kids’ birth certificates, he wasn’t a threat to them, and as it was a family matter there was nothing they could do. I’d have to take him to court. So I went back home. I thought, ‘I’m going to talk to him, find out what he saw in me when we first got together and why he doesn’t see that now. Maybe we can take a holiday and maybe he’ll start loving me again.’ But Uche just laughed in my face. I was crying and apologising and he just said, ‘You look horrible when you cry. When did you grow so ugly and fat? I don’t know why you left. You could never survive without me.’
I was happy to be back with my kids, then three and four, but the violence and abuse started to escalate again. One problem we’d never had was finance. Uche worked for his dad and was never mean with money. When we needed a new car, he gave me the cash to buy one but instead I hired a driver. I had decided to leave for good. That morning I made him breakfast and he kissed me goodbye and I thought, ‘How ironic he’s being nice today.’ Then, as soon as he left, I took the kids to my sister’s and started packing.

I was frantic, just packing what I could into bags. I got the kids and we set off for my uncle’s. I was so scared, I thought, ‘What am I doing? I’m so stupid! I can’t do this!’ I told the driver to turn the car around and started to drive back. Then I thought, ‘No, 
I’m leaving, even if I die trying.’
My uncle only had a one-bedroom flat but he took us in. We stayed with him for a while. During that time, I didn’t talk to anyone except my kids and I ended up really depressed. Luckily, that’s when I found an NGO. The woman I spoke to was lovely and they found me a place to stay. For the first week, I was in total denial and whenever anyone tried to help me, my mantra was, ‘I’m not going to be here long.’ But it became our home for the next eight months. I got the kids into school and, eventually, I grew really close to other women working at the NGO. It’s hard to recover your identity in a place like that. I remember telling my case worker, ‘I need to be someone because I’ve never had anything.’
I thought I had something because I had a big TV and a beautiful sofa, but it wasn’t mine. And I need to be something for my kids. She helped me apply for the university, where I got a qualification in Psychology. Now I have my Consultancy Firm and I’m back at the university for my masters. I hope to have a M.Sc. in Clinical psychology.
I met my current partner, Daniel, when I went back to school. We went on two dates, then I panicked and said, ‘I don’t do relationships – I can’t see you.’ He kept calling but I thought, ‘I’m not giving my heart to someone else for them to rip it apart again.’ Then one of the friends I made in my department told me that I couldn’t allow my ex to dictate my future relationships. So I gave Daniel a chance and he was just what I needed – someone to help me regain my trust in men. But even after eight months, I’d be going, ‘Why are you so nice to me,’ and he’d be going, ‘Errm, well, aren’t we dating?’ I was adamant, too, that he shouldn’t meet my children, but eventually it happened and, five years on, they’re really close. 
The children never ask to see their dad but I’ve said if they ever want to, they’re to let me know. I’m relieved he’s not around as an influence. Now I think, ‘This is who I was before Uche – the girl who did well at school and wanted to be someone.’ If you’d told me six years ago that I’d have my own business, that my kids would be happy, that we’d be getting by, I’d have said, ‘No way!’ But if you’d told me that ten years ago I’d have said, ‘Of course!’
I don’t let what happened define me – it drives me. I don’t hate myself and I don’t hate Uche. I have a decent life with two beautiful kids. I’m one of the lucky ones.

I Got Flowers Today

I got flowers today!
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night;
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt;
I know that he is sorry and didn’t mean to say the things he said;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe that it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day;
Last night he threw me into a wall and then started choking me;
It seemed unreal, a nightmare, but you wake up from nightmares;
And I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over—but I know he is sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Valentines Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me and threatened to kill me;
Make-up and long sleeves didn’t hide the cuts and bruises this time;
I couldn’t go to work today because I didn’t want anyone to know—but I know
he’s sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today!
And it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day;
Last night he beat me again, and it was worse than all of the other times;
If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of the kids? What about
I’m afraid of him, but I’m too scared and dependent to leave him! But he
must be sorry;
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today….
Today was a special day—it was the day of my funeral;
Last night he killed me;
If only I would have gathered the courage and strength to leave him;
I could have received help from the Women’s Shelter, but I didn’t ask for
their help;
So I got flowers today—for the last time.

By Paulette Kelly

Saturday, 26 December 2015

The Breakup

He enters my room even though we decided that we were over,done,finished. I'm such an idiot. I let him in. What the hell was I thinking? I knew where this was leading. But my heart raced. He looked at me with those puppy eyes and I just stepped back and let him the fuck in. Weak ass bitch! Idiot!. I could feel my pulse quicken, so I quickly covered saying something so incredibly witty it would throw him off "What do you want...?” Who was I fooling? I walked back to my desk chair and sat down.

Every time I convince myself I got over him he throws me back to the start with one look of his puppy eyes. Damn it! I'm a strong woman. I've been down this path before and know what can happen. He's married. It doesn't matter that it isn't a working marriage. It doesn't matter that I want to drag him to bed and do things with him and to him that would make me blush. He's fucking married! Get your head out of your ass girl!

He walks over and kneels at my chair. I try not to look at him, but keep stealing glances. He leans in. He is going to try to kiss me. I know it. I'm going to resist. He'll get frustrated and leave. Then it will really be over this time. Turn to look at him. Mistake! His eyes lock on to mine and I'm caught. I can't turn away. He is leaning in, I try to run away and his lips kiss half my lips and half my cheek. Oh jeezz!, I can't resist… How?? I quickly turn my head and lock onto his lips. Oh! Sweet, wet, perfect, moist. I'm lost in this kiss, the next one, and the next one, the next… "We can't do this, it's over." I whisper. "I know" he replies as he kisses me again.

As we start to breathe each other's breath, locked together kiss after kiss after kiss, he reaches over and quickly and efficiently scoops me up into his arms. One arm across my back the over under my legs. He quickly walks over to the bed, sets me down and lies half on me. I love it…I’m loosing the will to say no, stop. We lose ourselves in each other, kissing, caressing. His hands are on fire squeezing my large breasts through my clothes. I start dry humping him. I can't help it. I need him. I want him

I move away, breathe….breathe girl, you need to think.  Slowly I finally catch my breath though with great difficulty then assuming my innate strength I pull away and whisper slowly "I'm going to go to the bathroom please you need to" I make my way into the bathroom. I'm so nervous I can't actually go. I turn on the faucet and it helps me finally go. I pull up my pants, wash hands and reassuring my horny self that this day too shall pass without giving in, I go back out.

He is laying on the bed wearing only his boxer briefs. He starts to laugh. That dog! He's playing with me. I sit at the desk again. He comes over, again. "I can smell how aroused you are." He's right. I'm still drenched. My panties soaked. "Stop it." I feebly protest.

"I want you to read something." He shows me his journal. We move to the bed, lay down on our stomachs and read. It lists his doubts, his lust, and his confusion - all over me. It is overwhelming. It is flattering and scary. And it is erotic. He really wants me. Attraction is so attractive. We kiss. And again. Heart racing again. It only takes a second with him. My body responds. What is it about him? He has this instant on switch hidden somewhere and flicks it every time we are together.

We roll over with him on top. We continue to make out. This time he reaches under my shirt and lifts my shirt and bra in one motion. I protest and he does the same with the other bra cup. I now am exposing my breasts to him. This is wrong. This is so wrong. This is a mistake, because I will not be able to stop. He sucks on my nipple. Sweet Jesus. His lips are creating a connection between my nipple... Oh my! Oh my gosh!! Slowly he moves to my cunt leaving trails of kisses as he goes. I'm wet, drenched and open. I lost control of my tightly shut legs which were now swung open. I pull my shirt down, but he rips it apart. "We need to stop this." I pretended to struggle and hoped deep down he wouldn't stop. He does not he read my mind he granted my unspoken desire. He moves very deliberately to press his bulging cock between my legs. He starts dry humping me. I can't help it, I grind back on him. It feels so good. He adjusts so he is lined up directly on top of my clit. We grind together..slow and sensual. If it wasn't for three tiny layers of clothes he would have been in. I wrap my legs around him grinding in unison with him. I can almost feel him inside but his briefs wouldn't set his massive cock free. I keep reaching for his briefs to pull them off but he wouldn't let me. As we clinged to each other I managed to  pull his briefs half off on the side. Just needed to remove these so I could feel the whole of him inside me, feel him fill me up. I finally orgasm. It is some relief but not enough.

I can't believe his control. He did not get relief. We lay there panting until we can move again. We know we must stop. We look at each another both wanting more. Control has kicked in. I pull my clothes together while he dresses. As he buttons his shirt I can imagine myself in it. Feeling wrapped up in him. We look at one another longingly but knowing if we stay we will not be able to live with the consequences. One last kiss and he slips out the door.

In the morning getting ready, I think I hear a knock. I go to the door and no one is there. However there is a dry cleaning bag. I bring it into the room. Opening it up it is his shirt. I grab it and inhale his smell. Tears slowly start to well up in my eyes.